August Juice Cleanse Diaries

Day 1: Wednesday July 30, 2014

Day 2: Thursday July 31, 2014

Days 3 & 4: Friday August 1 & Saturday August 2, 2014

Why I Said "Goodbye" to my IUD

Making the deal

I wish with my whole heart that I could make a deal with some higher power that's controlling the Universe. I'd like to stand before him/her/it, along with any woman who desperately wants children and has been trying everything to conceive, kind of how one might stand before a judge. I want to voluntarily sign over any child-bearing ability I have to someone who really desires it. Then she can have a lovely child and be an awesome mother, and I would never have to worry about birth control again.

The mommy gene

A baby handed to me in 2010.

I don't have what I call the "mommy gene". I've never wanted kids. I've had countless people in my life tell me I'd change my mind (especially when I got married). But I'm practically 40 and it just hasn't happened. And I honestly don't feel I'm missing out on anything. With most babies or kids, I don't even know what to do, so I usually avoid them. I'm not good at cooing and cuddling and I can't talk to them. There have been a few "old soul" kids I seem to do OK with, but they're few and far between. I like my life. I like the freedom. I completely respect those who have chosen to be parents. Wow, that's hard. There's no way you can't screw up your kids somehow. Call me a coward, but I just don't want that responsibility. I'm still working through piles of my own shit!

Don't fix what's not broken

I'd been on birth control pills since I was 16. I never had any trouble remembering to take them, and they worked great. I think I gained a few pounds but nothing terrible. I had much lighter periods: about 4 days, maybe a little cramping at the beginning. Then in 2013 I got even more holistic, and when my acupuncturist suggested the idea that I get off the hormones, I thought about it more seriously.

In truth, I went to my OB-GYN wanting to get Essure. But I trusted her when she talked me into the Paraguard IUD, which was my second choice. It's copper, and has no hormones. Once I had it, I could look forward to menopause and never even have to have it taken out because it'd be good until my eggs weren't.

The "Installation"

Maybe it's too many years of working in hi-tech, but I always refer to a day in May 2013 as the day my IUD was "installed." I was a bit nervous and I won't say it wasn't uncomfortable, but I'm sure it's nothing compared to childbirth! Right after it was installed, what I primarily noticed was discomfort and cramping in my left lower abdomen. I heard a lot of gurgling, kind of like one might have before explosive diarrhea. When the doctor came back in I told her this; she said she'd not heard of that before, but didn't think it was a big deal. Off I went, never having to think about birth control again. Ha!

Rough adjustment periods

The first few weeks after having the IUD installed, I had terrible cramps. At one point, I was awake in the middle of the night lying on my bedroom floor in agony, wondering whether I should go to the emergency room. I didn't, and thankfully that subsided. My first couple periods were rough. At least 7-8 days, with one unbelievably heavy day following the seeming "ending" of the thing. I remember being at a new job, on the phone with the doctor, worrying about how much I was bleeding because they said if it was "excessive" there might be a problem. What was "excessive"? Changing tampons every hour or so. OK, so I was lucky. I only had to change every two, and boy did I get really bad cramps anytime it was close to being time for a change! Not to mention those same intense cramps every time I was hungry, or had to use the toilet.

A New "Normal"

Over one year later, things had stabilized. I still got my period regularly, for at least 8 days each time. And as soon as the period stopped, I knew I still had the heavy day to look forward to, but now at least I traveled prepared and didn't freak out about it. There were at least 2 days of terribly heavy cramps in there. I don't usually take any OTC meds, but a few times yeah, I took an Advil but it didn't do much. My last period with the IUD, July 2014, lasted from the 15th to the 19th (the heavy day), and then on July 24-25 I was having terrible cramps but no bleeding. That's about a week and a half a month being miserable.

The amount of tampons and panty liners I went through was incredible. Holy cow. I also had weird spotting in between, especially after urinating, that required me to wear panty liners all the time because I was never sure what might happen. So much money and waste on tampons, not to mention always having to be near a restroom!

What's worse was that on numerous occasions I could feel the thing inside me. Kind of like I had a tampon in, but didn't. And it was always at that left side of my abdomen, where I felt it from day 1. Because I could feel it, I kept thinking the IUD was misplaced, or moving around in a way it shouldn't be. I went to to a med clinic the first time I had the spotting because that seemed odd, yet they assured me all was fine and it looked good. That led to not wanting to be intimate with anyone because, well, something could be wrong with my IUD and I could end up pregnant. Of course that defeats the entire purpose of the thing, which is to "set it and forget it."

And although my stress levels had decreased dramatically with a career change and a move over the past year, trying to physically relax enough at night to fall and stay asleep had been near impossible, especially around my period. For several months before I got the IUD removed, I was sleeping less than 3 hours a night for about 4 consecutive days. Exhaustion isn't fun folks!

The Decision

So, there was no "medical" reason why I decided to have my IUD removed. Every doctor who looked at it and heard my stories described my experiences as "normal". However, the sense that my body just didn't like the thing continued to grow over time. Sure, I might be healthier because I was off hormones, but my quality of life had gone down, I was damaging the environment with all my feminine product usage, and I had a copper "T", a totally foreign object, stuck inside me.

Freedom?

I write this post after terminating my relationship with my IUD. Although I'd read several blog posts about women just pulling them out on their own with no issue, I thought it would be better to have a professional around in case there was any issue. I was a bit nervous about the removal, but I used my mad meditation skills (and some loving support) to get through it, and it wasn't bad. What happened? Two severe cramps on that left side of my abdomen as it was taken out. I'm told I might have spotting, that I might not have a normal period for a few months after re-starting the pill on Sunday. But, I hope that in a few months time, those good old hormones will have me thinking about my period so much less than my IUD ever did!

Note: I feel there's really no good answer when it comes to birth control. But, I share this story to encourage women to weigh all the pros and cons, and above all, to listen to their bodies when it comes to these things! Even if nothing "appears" wrong, your body knows what's right for you. TRUST IT.

How NOT to Just Say F**k It: 5 Strategies for Getting Back on Track

Let's be real.

Those of us who have goals around health and wellness aren't perfect. (That's OK, by the way!) From time to time, we'll make decisions that are contrary to the promises we make to ourselves. Some examples of goals we might have include:

• Limiting sugar | caffeine | alcohol | chocolate intake
• Exercising | moving more
• Going to bed or getting up earlier
• Reducing time spent watching TV | playing on Facebook

You get the idea.

So what happens to the day or the week when, for example, you have more than the amount of <whatever> you said you'd have; you fail to exercise, to get to bed / wake earlier, or to limit your technology usage? I'm sure some of you can relate to the feeling of, "oh f**k it, since I did / didn't do X I might as well (either do more X or do Y too)...". It's almost like there's a rebel that comes up inside us, pointing out that we haven't been perfect so "why not just toss the whole stupid idea out the window!" It can be very tempting, especially when that part says, "you can just start over tomorrow / next week".

That voice prevents us from starting over in the present moment. In other words, right NOW.

Here are 5 strategies to help you get back on track, in the moment. Have others? Let me know!

1. Discover the teaching and use it to create a new strategy: Write down why you did / didn't do what you wanted, how it felt at the time and/or how it feels now. Coming from the perspective that you did exactly what you needed to do at the time, explore what you could learn from the experience. What might you do differently if that situation arises again? For example: "I ate the brownie because really I was dehydrated and needed more water. The next time I have a brownie craving, I'll have a glass of water first."
   
   
2. Stop making specific promises altogether: Instead, bring more mindfulness to your daily activities, pay closer attention to how you feel, and honor the higher goal of "progress"--getting a little healthier each day. Let go of "measuring" every detail and allow yourself to be more intuitive about what is good for you and what isn't. In other words, focus on the big picture rather than the details.
   
   
3. Put it in perspective: Someone passed along to me a great quote from Jillian Michaels, which was along the lines of "so you messed up and didn't stick to the plan -- so what? You didn't ruin anything. If you have one flat tire do you then slash the other three?" One or two or even five of anything doesn't mean the rest of your day or week is done for.
   
   
4. Move to a different environment: Just eat an entire bag of chips after sitting at your desk for hours? Go for a walk outside. Sometimes change happens from the inside out. Other times, it can happen from the outside in. Maybe next time you think about having chips, you'll realize you just need a break, and take the walk instead!
   
   
5. Create appointments with yourself (and set reminders): Schedule the time you'll spend online, the time you'll exercise, or even the time you'd like to go to bed. When your timer goes off, stop, and do what your reminder tells you! Have trouble stopping and taking a lunch break? Put it on your calendar with a note to yourself. Here's one of mine: "Lunch: GET UP & TAKE A BREAK!" Maybe at 9 pm, you set a reminder on your phone that says, "Charge me, shut me off and go read your book in bed!" If it's scheduled, honor your commitment as you would attending a doctor's appointment, or going to a beloved friend's wedding.

Defining Myself as a Teacher of Yoga

I mentioned in my previous blog post that life events seemed to be pulling me deeper into teaching yoga, despite my plans to develop other aspects of my health and wellness consultancy, such as Reiki and Eating Psychology Coaching. Since then, I've also noticed that I'm being asked to identify what I really value when I teach yoga to a group of students. Here's the example that's driving this reflection.

I currently teach a range of yoga classes. In a single week, I may teach (in order of advertised difficulty): restorative or chair yoga, gentle yoga, hatha yoga, vinyasa flow yoga, and hot power yoga. Currently the former classes occur mostly at a studio; the latter at various local gyms.

What I often hear from students at the gyms is that my teaching is "slow". Most quickly follow that description with smiles and gratitude, telling me how much they appreciate it. A few seemingly present it to me with some disdain, as if I'd somehow gotten in the way of their intense stretching workout. Yet even when I create and offer faster and more challenging sequences for the super fit gym yogis, I watch as they consistently:

• Don't align themselves in the postures correctly, regardless of my cues
• Can't keep up with the speed of the flow
• Take respite in child's pose (which is awesome, by the way!)
• Are dripping sweat
• Can't focus their attention 
• Can't coordinate their breath with their movements
• Scrunch up their faces and hold their breath
• And so on....

Now, I'm not saying this to rag on any of my students. What is puzzling to me as a teacher is this: when I see these things, I do not feel that it's in anyone's best interest for me to pick up the pace, or otherwise add intensity. At the most basic level, my top priority is to keep my students safe from injury, so they have the opportunity to practice again tomorrow. Regardless of my plans for any class, I always adjust to the feedback I'm getting as I look and walk around the room. So what are these yogi's who negatively comment about my slow teaching pace searching for?

A former dance instructor was able to relate to my confusion. He said, "you are trying to teach people to dance, and they just want patterns." Meaning, the point at which a dance move or a yoga posture can be executed correctly (physically) is not the END of the learning process; rather, it's just the beginning. Yet many people who have difficulty executing even the basic physical shape in yoga classes--e.g. those who would be aided greatly by the use of props but refuse to use them--keep wanting more, to "skip ahead" to...I don't know what. Maybe it's just cultural: everything in our lives is so quick these days; slowing down to really feel into our bodies, our minds, our emotions, our souls is the real challenge, and it's too much. We'd rather continuing to distract with speed. (Believe me, I can relate.) However, truly advanced yoga students understand that this is the real intensity of their practice: yoga as a "work-in" (as opposed to a "work-out")*.

Anyway, this is a long way of saying that such paradox is making me think more clearly about what I value as a teacher of yoga (rather than a "yoga teacher"). My initial training in teahing yoga by two of the best yoginis at one of the most reputable yoga schools in the country started me on this journey, and I continue to develop and learn through my own experience what I feel is important to pass along to my students.

Regardless of where I teach, what my title or the official class title is, creating a safe space (through my languaging, my use of the environment, and my pacing) that allows students to explore themselves not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally is of utmost importance to me. That is how I define myself as a teacher of yoga, how I feel most authentic and true. It's how I maintain my integrity, and it's the kind of relationship I always want to cultivate with my students.

Teachers of yoga, have you experienced similar contradictions? Students, tell me your thoughts on "slow" classes.

An endless student of yoga,
Kali


*As stated by Judith Hanson Lasater

Ring ring ring, the Universe is calling!

Last weekend, my boyfriend's Aunt mentioned she was doing yoga therapy and told me she heard that yoga was about more than just physical postures. I was horrified when I realized I could no longer rattle off all 8 limbs of yoga. This motivated me to go back to my yoga philosophy and study. (I was relieved to find that I just blanked on some and OF COURSE I still incorporate many into my teachings and my practice. Still, it's good to refresh!) As part of reviewing my Kripalu Yoga Teacher Training notes, I found a little blue index card on which I'd written: "SIGN FROM ABOVE see/hear 3x".

Universe: "Bring more of your study back to yoga."(1)

The next day I was asked to take over a yoga class at a new facility because their best instructor had to give it up. I took this instructor's class the following day and she was AMAZING, incorporating all things yoga in a fun and energetic way. I learned in talking with her that the class would be another large group of dedicated students who are all physically active and fit, which is not the audience I've typically served. While hot power yoga is and has been more my personal practice and style, the idea of taking over for this instructor was (and is) terrifying. 

Universe: "I'm challenging you to become a stronger, more confident yoga instructor." (2)

The day after that, I got a request to sub a yoga class at a nearby gym for every Wednesday night in July and a couple nights in August, which was originally in conflict with my "6 weeks to relaxation" offering. 

Universe: "Share more and more yoga."(3)

Now, all this local, in-person yoga teaching isn't directly in line with my "plan" of building a virtual client base for yoga, meditation, and eating psychology. However, I feel like these opportunities are banging down my door, and that perhaps the Universe is calling me to re-focus on yoga. I decided to continue my studies, and am enjoying going back through my Kripalu yoga training materials and reading a book about Swami Kripalu's life; I am going forward with the new teaching gig, although I'm still working through some of the fear. I decided I'd regret not trying more than I'd regret trying and failing. And, I moved the time of my relaxation program back 30 minutes so I can still offer that while subbing more classes. 

I've noticed more over the past few years that whether it's the beginning or ending of a relationship or a job, there are often 3 things I see or hear that can serve as guidance for me when I don't override my intuition with "clever" thoughts. I'm going to dance with the energy that's coming into my life this time. What's the worst that could happen?

Can you think of a time when the Universe was calling (or warning) you? Did you notice? Did you listen? I'd love to hear your story!

"6 Weeks to Relaxation" Coming in July!

Holy cow, it's going to be July soon! Need new relaxation techniques to sooth body, mind, and spirit? Join my "6 weeks to relaxation" series starting July 2. 

Series or drop-in possible; virtual attendance available too!

30 Days to a Happier & Healthier Me

A mocha latte

As some of you know, starting June 15th I'm facilitating a Facebook group called "30 Days to a Happier & Healthier You Practice". In it, each person decides one habit they'd like to practice encouraging, or one habit they'd like to practice softening. I'm specifically calling this a practice (rather than, for example, a "challenge") because although it may be challenging, it's not intended to be something we beat ourselves up over when we're not perfect at it. The idea is that we support each other, and just keep trying.

Of course as the facilitator of such a group, I have many ideas about what I could do for myself and post about. I have to set an example, right? So my first thought was that I could do anything EXCEPT giving up coffee (again). That would just be too challenging.

A little history of me and coffee: back in the day I was never really into it. I used to have one cup (read, 8 oz) in the morning with a powdered milk substitute. I preferred Dunkin over Starbucks. (Yes, really.) And then something happened--especially after I got a job in the city of Boston--I was surrounded with coffee shops. I got hooked on a morning Starbucks, joining in the morning ritual,  feeling all "Sex and the City". Soon I decided visiting the Boston Common Coffee Co was a better, more local alternative. I started drinking americanos and almond milk lattes. When I moved to Austin, the first thing I did was check out all of the coffee shops I could find. My favorite is Monkey Nest Coffee--where you'll often find me working.

When I'm doing a cleanse, I get off coffee pretty easily. I drink a lot of water, and don't have too many symptoms (e.g. headaches). But I miss it terribly. I miss the imagined comradery with other coffee drinkers. I miss greeting the people who make my drink, take my money, and stamp my frequent visitor card. I miss the ritual. Drinking coffee gives me pleasure; pleasure beyond what comes from the energy boost of the caffeine. (Anyone who's ever shared quarters with me knows I'm generally wide awake and perky somewhere between 5-6 am, even without it.)

So I could do anything but give up coffee as part of this practice. Right? Hmm....

Well truth be told, the group of people who have agreed to participate in this 30 day practice have inspired me. They've inspired me to set an example by being REALISTIC, to set myself up for something challenging enough to require practice but to still be ACHIEVABLE. So for the next 30 days, my practice will be to have one SMALL coffee drink no more than 3 times a week.

As part of this practice I will explore:

• what it is about drinking coffee that gives me so much pleasure? 
• how does it "fill me up" emotionally? 
• what am I afraid will happen if I don't drink it? 
• what tools can I use to get through times when I'm really craving it? 
• what needs does drinking coffee fulfill for me? 
• how can I enjoy working in a coffee shop environment without over-drinking coffee? 
• what is it I really desire?

It's my belief that we have difficulty changing habits because we focus on the "giving up" part by trying to use willpower. However, the habit represents something that's important to us, so we need to explore the deeper meaning behind the habit first. What are its benefits (even if we do label it as "unhealthy" or "bad")? How does the habit make us feel better, how does it serve us?

Only when we answer these questions will habits soften and perhaps fall away.

I'm ready to explore. I'm ready to practice. And I promise you, I will not be perfect. :-)

I hope you'll join me. See https://www.facebook.com/groups/1430137057252728/.

Juiceland Juice Cleanse: Day 3 Finally Brings Dedication?

Update: I'm doing another 3 day starting 6/26. I'm actually very excited about it. Since this cleanse I've gotten very into juices, and I've found that I missed them! I even ended up purchasing several in between. :-) So we'll see how round 2 goes!

---

OK, so on day 3 I'm acutely aware of the fact that I've "cheated" for 2 out of 3 of my juice cleanse days. But the honest the truth is, I'm OK with that. To remind us all, "cheating" entailed a handful of pistachios, some crystallized ginger, and a bag of frozen peas (defrosted and cooked, with a little salt, of course)!

Still, day 3 brought new dedication to stay just on juice and tea and water. How did it go? Well, I DEFINITELY felt the need to eat food, especially around lunchtime, which was always the time I ended up snacking on real food. I made it past that milestone, yay!

I also managed to do some Ashtanga yoga, though not the entire thing. I made it to asana #5 in the seated sequence, which isn't bad given my limited caloric intake. In fact, it felt really good. I felt like I was able to engage my lower bandhas in a way I hadn't before.

Other things I noticed today (also yesterday, though I'm not sure I mentioned them):

• My nose is occasionally runny, and I've been sneezing a bit. 
• I'm SO COLD! It's about 90 degrees here in Austin, and it feels hotter if you're in the sun or a car. Yet whenever I'm in the apartment, a store, or any place where there's any breeze or AC, I'm cold. (Great idea do to a hockey game last night, wasn't it? LOL.)
• The taking of an herbal laxative on day one has kept me loose for days 2 and 3, no more required!
• More water between juices helps with hunger (duh).
• My primary craving (every day!) was for a banana.

When I picked up my juices this morning, I wanted a pick-me-up, as I was missing my coffee and feeling sluggish. The girl at the counter was friendly, helping me decide how to make yerba matte less yucky. She was on her way to make me a lovely sounding version with pineapple and cayenne, when I changed my request to the yerba matte latte that grossed me out last week. My thought was I'd try it without the agave--no luck though, I drank 1/2 of it and was nauseous. I don't think yerba matte is for me, else the hemp milk is just too much. (I've never been a "drink milk in a significant quantity" type of person--of any milk, even the alternatives--although I use them often for smoothies and baking.)

Anyway, I ended up going to Whole Foods to have food on hand for tomorrow. It wasn't so bad, and I even found myself looking at what juices they have. I plan to do a smoothie in the morning, unless of course I'm craving the organic omega-3 eggs, the smoked salmon, the organic cauliflower, avocados, or bananas, blackberries, blueberries, apple, and pear that I bought! :-) I plan to have a salad with those ingredients for lunch, and a light halibut with bok choy for dinner.

Around 5 pm I felt really wiped, but I'd also gone to the chiropractor who put my body back in alignment after I'd done a great job knocking it out, sitting in front of my laptop with bad posture for too long, putting together my upcoming workshop content (see http://ajourneyintohealth.blogspot.com/2014/05/upcoming-workshop-announcement.html). I was so sluggish that at 6:30pm, before teaching a Hatha class, I caved and had a banana! Oh well.

I do like the idea of doing this once a month. My hypothesis is that it should be easier to break poor habits by cleansing more regularly. At least 3 days out of the month, my body would get a break from the toxins I love: coffee, chocolate, and alcohol! Speaking of which, I'm not sure when those will get re-introduced, but my guess is that a nice dark chocolate will be the first on the list--it was last time!

JuiceLand Juice Cleanse Day 2: Body Hate & Bad Hockey

Update: I'm doing another 3 day starting 6/26. I'm actually very excited about it. Since this cleanse I've gotten very into juices, and I've found that I missed them! I even ended up purchasing several in between. :-) So we'll see how round 2 goes!

---

Well with no celery and more variety of juices, there isn't much to say about Day 2.  The juices were fine; it was me who wasn't.

I cheated again with the crystallized ginger and handful of pistachios, and then had a bag of frozen peas (cooked of course). Sigh. Around lunch time I just really wanted to eat FOOD! I then ended up in a funk about how much weight I'd gained over the past few years, but decided that I was going to don a bathing suit and go to the pool to get some sun ANYWAY. That was all fine until a gang of kids came and started making comments about "the lady's bootie". Fortunately I was enthralled with Bruce H. Lipton's Biology of Belief and was able to ignore most of it before I left at my usual time.

I tried to do some exercise too--I decided to pull out my difficult Bar Method DVD because I didn't make it to a class, but then I found I really couldn't do much. I desperately need another chiropractic adjustment, so everything just feels off , and that has nothing to do with juice.

Overall I felt disappointed in myself, which led to old familiar feelings of hating my body. But as I rode to the Cedar Park Center to watch the Texas Stars get their butts whipped in game 6 of the AHL Western Conference Finals, I decided that I could spend those three hours beating myself up with automatic negative thoughts, or I could go and have fun. I decided on the latter.

It was somewhat more difficult than usual to smell things and not want all the nasty food stuffs there. One smell that stood out in particular for me was ketchup (which I never eat, weird!)

I slept mostly OK, but woke up to a nightmare about discovering that my juice was ground up body parts--likely due to a comment made yesterday by a yoga student's husband, who said that in the 60s or 70s there was a movie like that, though I can't find any reference to it.

More than yesterday, I am thinking this would be a good once-a-month "clean house" kind of thing. Although I will admit to getting excited about eating food. Honestly, what I really have been craving is a banana.

Celebrating Life: National Cancer Survivors Day

When Heather Von  St. James asked me to write something to help her spread the word about mesothelioma and it's causes for National Cancer Survivors day, of course I agreed. But what would I say? My only personal experience with mesothelioma was back in 1999, when my boyfriend at the time was told he had cancer. The doctor originally thought it was mesothelioma, so of course I did a few internet searches to see what I could learn.

The most common risk factor for malignant mesothelioma is exposure to asbestos, a material used by builders and construction workers as insulation before people learned it was carcinogenic (in the late 1970s). What I didn't fully realize before Heather reached out to me and I watched her touching story is that mesothelioma isn't a "disease of the past" because we now know better. And, it has the potential to affect many more than those who had the misfortune of installing or working directly with it.

Here are just a few interesting facts* about how asbestos and mesothelioma continue to impact our lives, even in 2014:

• "Some 30 million pounds of asbestos are still used each year in the United States."
• "The number one cause of occupational cancer in the United States is asbestos...."
• "Asbestos is still mined in several countries throughout the world, including Canada, and is exported to many industrialized and developing countries."
• "Asbestos can still be found in myriad homes, schools, and commercial or industrial buildings."
• "Asbestos was once used in more than 3,000 consumer products, including common household items such as toasters and hair dryers, some of which may still be in use."

*Selected from http://www.mesothelioma.com/asbestos-cancer/asbestos-facts-statistics.htm.

I've never had a cancer diagnosis, so I write this blog with all due respect to my survivor friends and former colleagues. I can't pretend to understand what it's like, how scary it can be. But what I know from my own experience and training about healing the body-mind is that one must cultivate three things:

1. An understanding. Absorbing as much learning as one can about dis-ease, adding an interpretation to it. In other words, gathering not just knowledge, but wisdom.
2. A recognition that one is unique, yet not alone. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, different life experiences that created our bodies and minds. What applies to one person doesn't necessarily apply to all. Yet our individualities fit together to create our whole world--we each have parts to play.
3. A healthy attitude. Here I don't just mean blind optimism or positivity. I mean having an authentic and real love for life, cultivating compassion toward self during trying times, and desiring to be open and to feel in this world, despite the inevitable ups and downs.

When I watched Heather's video (http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather/#.U4c7ZyjLNYo), I realized she exhibited all these qualities. Additionally, she felt inspired to help others understand more about this preventable disease, in the hopes that just one more life might be saved. That is one of her parts to play.

This National Cancer's Survivors Day,  I encourage you to take a few moments to gain some understanding about mesothelioma and the dangers of asbestos. (Good sources include http://www.mesothelioma.com/mesothelioma/, http://www.mesothelioma.com/asbestos-exposure/, and Heather's blog.) Recognize that this dis-ease still can affect each and every one of us, because we are a collective here on planet earth. And last but not least, open your heart, do not live in fear, and live your life to its fullest, each and every day!

Does the number on your bathroom scale wreak havoc on your mood?

Mine used to.

Isabelle Tierney's recent post, titled "God in Facebook Form" got me thinking about another way many of us end up seeking validation: seeing a particular number on the bathroom scale.

During a particularly difficult time in my life (when I was under a lot of stress and feeling pretty trapped), I developed a pretty serious obsession with my weight. My rationale was that in 8th grade I was 5 feet tall and 100 lbs. Going on birth control at 16 gained me 3 pounds, but I was OK with that. Fast forward 20+ years later, and you'd find me incredibly focused on getting back down to that specific number of 103 (since obviously I wasn't getting any taller). I think I was around 110 lbs when all that started. When I hit rock bottom, I'd gotten myself up to 120 lbs--all by trying ridiculously hard to get the long and lean body I envied, weighing myself every day (sometimes more than once). That extra weight wasn't muscle either: it was from the binging and overeating caused by how the number on the scale contributed to my already fragile mood.

When I started studying to become an Eating Psychology Coach, one of the first things that Marc David, the founder and primary teacher in the training said, was that we should get rid of the scale. In addition to the fact that there are normal fluctuations in body weight, he alluded to the psychological impact that seeing a particular number can have on us. In my case, if I weighed less than I had previously, or I was closer to my goal weight, stepping on the scale would have a positive effect on my mood. I'd find myself smiling, and being happy and confident in my body until my next weigh in. If I weighed more or hadn't made any progress, I'd feel terrible. I'd go through my day thinking I was "fat and disgusting" (and I can't count how many times I said that phrase aloud, further putting it "out there" into the Universe and making it seem more real)!

At first I found myself very reluctant to give up this mood-altering ritual. But eventually, the scale went into the closet. I pulled it out once a week instead of stepping on it every day, but I found that even the decreased frequency seemed to have the same effect on my mood. Weight down, mood up. Weight up, mood down. So back in the closet it went, and as I started to really internalize that I could love my body as it is (yet still exercise and eat well to be strong, flexible, and healthy),

I'm happy to report that it's been over a month since the difference between a number in my brain and the one on a little square device has had any power over my mood, my confidence, or my life. Do I still think about weighing myself sometimes? Of course. Do I do it? Nope. Instead I remind myself that I can give my gifts to the world because of what is inside of me; and if that doesn't work, I do something I know will make me feel good, like yoga. (And oftentimes, those self-care activities are exactly what I need to be as healthy as I can be! Funny how that works.)

Do you smile when you're practicing yoga?

As a yoga instructor at both a studio and a gym, I teach many students who are brand new to yoga. It's not uncommon for me to have one or more people in my class who have never done yoga before, and are feeling a little uncertain about their decision to try it.

One of the things I emphasize in my classes, beyond encouraging students to tune into the wisdom of their bodies, in addition to asking them to really pay attention to their breathing, and above asking them to (try to) stay out of their ego by only going as far as their body and their breath guide them, is to SMILE!

Most students love this, I believe because there are many things in life--family, work, school, etc.--that we all take so seriously. So when students come to my class and I encourage them to relax, strengthen, and stretch their bodies by being PLAYFUL and having some fun, the relief is almost palpable. (Balancing poses in particular are great opportunities for smiles and laughs!)

On the first yoga DVD I ever had, Baron Baptitse said (at a particularly challenging point in the class): "lift the inner corners of the lips". I often find myself using that sly phrase--among other techniques--to get people to smile during my classes. For example, when we begin to extend our legs for wide-angle forward fold, I'll joke "OK, now don't everyone get into that full split just yet!" My YTT peers might sneer when I admit to have saying, "blossom your buttocks to the sky" (which I do if I think my students will smile at the imagery). Sometimes I feel a bit like a stand-up comedian, and it's really an amazing class when the students get into it. 

When students aren't into it, I'm OK with that. I either keep trying, or if the class is entirely serious, I might tone it down a bit. What I notice though, is that it's often the students who may have been practicing yoga for awhile who don't smile, or seem to really let go.  And, I'm writing this blog because I think they may be missing out. It's been my belief that making that small change in the face--moving the muscles of the mouth into a smile--helps relax the body and release tension. Sure enough, I've discovered that there's some science to back up my hunch. :-)

The Smithsonian and Medical News Today both reported on an interesting study done for Psychological Science back in 2012, where researchers "looked at how different types of smiling, and people being aware of smiling, affected their ability to recover from stressful episodes." What they found was that smiling (even when the smiling was "faked"), reduced participants' heart rates as they attempted to perform a stressful task. The Smithsonian article states: "Since heart rate is an indicator of the body’s stress response, it seems as though the act of smiling actually reduced the participants’ overall stress level." Although there are no available sources, they also suggested there were others who indicate "that smiling could reduce levels of cortisol, a stress-related hormone."

When we are in yoga class, we are taking various shapes with the body, some of which may feel different, unnatural, or challenging (depending on our typical posture throughout the day). When we're feeling sensation in various muscles in the poses, we are in fact "stressing" the body, although in a good way. We use the breath, specifically the out-breath, to try and send relaxation, love, and compassion to those areas in the body. And, I believe more than ever before that smiling is yet another, simple and easy way to help ease the body into greater strength and flexibility during yoga.

So the next time you're in a yoga class (mine or someone else's), and you feel yourself tensing your body, losing your long deep breath, or pursing your lips in great seriousness, try putting on a smile. Like anything else you do in yoga class, let the smile be an exploration: what do you notice in your body, breath, mind, and spirit as you do this? Observe, pay attention, and then decide for yourself whether to do it again and again and again!

P.S.: For those of you who are serious (pun intended!) about taking your yoga practice off the mat, here's a short article listing some of the other benefits of smiling: http://goodrelaxation.com/2012/01/health-benefits-of-smiling/.

Is fear driving your behavior? (and what you can do about it!)

I see more and more people these days--and I count myself among these folks--whose behaviors are being driven from deep-seated, underlying fears.

Here are some of the ways I think fear manifests itself in our behaviors:

• The "I know I shoulds": Do you ever know what you should or shouldn't do, but you still don't act in accordance with that logical thought? (Some examples: "I know I should exercise because it's good for me", "I know that if I want to eat healthy, I shouldn't eat processed foods.")
  
• Overreacting: Do you ever respond emotionally to something, in a somewhat dramatic way, and you can't rationally understand why? (For example, even though I'd done something like this before and was fine, I ended up in tears the other night at "Painting with a Twist" because my painting was terrible. I knew it didn't matter, that the point was to have fun, but I left sobbing anyhow.)
• Endless procrastinating: Are you unsure of which direction to head in your relationship, your business, or your life? Because you don't know with 100% certainty what the right path is, do you stay stuck where you are? Do you find yourself complaining to friends and family about the same-old-things, while doing nothing or starting things you don't ever finish?
• Pushing through: Do you keep pushing yourself to work harder, faster, more efficiently at all costs? Do you find your sleep, weight, or overall health suffering, but feel like you just absolutely cannot take time for yourself because everything will fall apart? (Often stated as: "I know I should slow down and take more time for myself." :-) )
• Refusing to set boundaries: Are you often silent around parents, siblings, children, or bosses, coworkers, friends and significant others when you're feeling resentful (e.g. about obligations), angry, intruded upon, taken advantage of, unappreciated, overworked, or just plain "done" with a relationship? Do you think that standing up for yourself will just create conflict or rock the boat, so you hold your feelings inside?
• Not taking time to experience pleasure: All work and no play? Not eating that piece of chocolate or having that glass of wine because it will "make me fat and undesirable?" Multi-tasking during your pedicure? (see also Pushing through.)

Recognize yourself or someone you know in any of these? ;-)

OK, so what can we do about it? Here are my ideas:

• Acknowledge that fear is driving your behavior. You may be inclined to skip this, but as they say, recognizing you have a problem is the first step to moving through it. It can feel vulnerable to admit you are afraid, even to yourself, so it's not always easy! (If you happen to be a man or a professional woman, culture makes it worse, telling you this isn't desirable.)
  
• Accept that fear may not be rational. A dear friend and I used to call some reactions / behaviors we'd have "IFs" (for "irrational fears"). You can logically and rationally think through something, but fear isn't likely to respond to those tactics, so accepting that can be freeing. (I can't tell you how many times I listed all the practical reasons why I shouldn't binge, as I was raiding the pantry and downing a box of cookies.)
• Dive deep into fear. Yeah, I mean it. What are you really afraid of? That you'll end up homeless? Alone? Die? That no one will love you? That you'll lose your mind? That you're unlovable? Defective? That you'll cry forever and ever and never stop? Identify the real fears, and then either:
  • Imagine that your worst fear is really true. Totally counterintuitive, but see if you can FEEL into the fear on an emotional level, rather than trying to push it away with logic (that we know doesn't work). Be scared! Cry. Break a plate somewhere safe. Allow the fears to feel heard, listened to, seen. Breathe, and try your best to relax and surrender into it. Give it your full attention. When you emerge (which you will!) you may find that it's not as scary as all that, realize you'd ultimately be OK even if things went that way, discover that some things are truly beyond your control so you can release them, or that there are other choices you do have. Be open to the possibilities that letting go can show you!
  • Use "the work" to challenge the fear. Ever since I read "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie, I'm loving her four questions: 1) "Is it true? 2) Can you absolutely know that it's true? 3) How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought? 4) Who would you be without the thought?" Katie goes on to show us how to "turn the thought around", so if you're interested, check out her site. I found that when I started doing this with my (vast amount of) automatic negative thoughts (many of which were IFs), I couldn't end up getting past questions 1 or 2 (because the answer is either absolutely, unequivocally "yes" or "no", and it was never realistically 100% "yes".
• Do it anyway. Do what? Whatever it is you're afraid of. Let yourself cry and throw a tantrum, even if you fear never stopping. Finish that report or presentation, even if it's scary to think you might actually be successful. Slow down and take time for you, even if it means someone else may temporarily get upset with you for being "selfish". Tell your significant other that you need him to step up and help with the housework, or with the kids, even if it means having a discussion. Savor that glass of wine, rolling it around in your mouth as if your job was as a taster or critic. Fake it until you make it. Smile. Live today as if you had no fear.

Other ideas? Please share your comments!

Copyright: zigf / 123RF Stock Photo

My Solemn Vow to Self-Care

This afternoon, I am having a much-needed pedicure. Over the past month my poor feet and toes have been through numerous walks, hikes, yoga, and dance classes. They need some pampering, and a fresh new color! If you're anything like me, just "making an appointment" for such an indulgence can take a few weeks, as other, more important things (likely not at all related to self-care!) take priority.

And, if you're anything like me, actually ENJOYING these precious moments of self-care is equally difficult. The last time I had a pedicure, I preemptively apologized to the nice lady working with my feet because I had my iPod on and headphones in--likely listening to a module in my training toward becoming a certified Eating Psychology Coach. Yet of course the entire time, I found my eyes glued to the subtitles of the "chick flick" (possibly Legally Blonde 2) that played on the wide-screen TV in the boutique-like nail salon. Now what was it he said again? Repeat that please! ;-)

So today, as I embark on this hour of self-care, I solemnly vow not to take an iPod/headphones, a phone, a book, or anything else that might distract me from completely spacing out and getting completely lost and engrossed in some absolutely ridiculous movie. Can I do it?

Feel free to check in with me about that and ask how it went! :-)

AND, can YOU set aside some time for REAL, non-multitasking, complete surrendering and letting go of obligations, worries, work, etc. self-care today? JOIN ME!

Copyright: domenicogelermo / 123RF Stock Photo

Reiki, Meditation & Yoga: Integrative Support for Mind-Body Nutrition

In this 10 minute video, I describe some ways that Reiki, meditation, and yoga can help you achieve your nutrition and weight loss goals.

4 Ways to Not Lose Your S**t While in Traffic

When I moved to Austin a few months ago, a local friend warned me about the traffic here. Being from Boston--where over the course of the past 13 years I honed my wicked Massholian driving skills--I casually brushed off his warnings much like I'd flick away a buzzing insect. Now, 5 months into adjusting to life in Texas, I will say that I'm still quite puzzled by how people drive here. I honestly don't get it, and I'm pretty confident that it's a large contributor to the traffic issue. But, I digress.

There have been times when I have felt stressed while in traffic; several local clients of mine have also expressed that driving is a source of lots of stress and tension for them (especially if they're Yankees like me). So, here is some advice about how not to lose your s**t while in traffic, regardless of where you're commuting to or from!

1. Find ways to experience pleasure / fun: this is actually my favorite strategy, which is why I list it first. An example of a safe way to do this while driving (or rather sitting in a parking lot that should be a highway) is to put on some awesome music. I prefer the up-beat, old-school, belt-it-out variety, but you may prefer more relaxing, new-age, meditative tunes, or listening to that book you'd never have time to sit down and really read.
    
   
2. Generate compassion for other drivers: this may be the most difficult, and also the most rewarding technique. Instead of thinking of what "that guy/gal" isn't doing right, try to imagine all the ways they are just like you. Maybe they're tired, hungry, or just had a fight with their partner. Maybe their minds are on their jobs, or thinking about doing something more fun. Another way of doing this is recognizing that it's not THEY who are traffic; to them, YOU are traffic!
    
   
3. Practice breathing: so many of us breathe shallowly throughout the day, and we are more prone to it when feeling stressed out. Breathing deeply engages the parasympathetic nervous system, increasing our oxygen intake and helping us feel calm and centered. Yet, we don't often have time to sit down and focus on our breath in meditation. As part of your daily self-care, use the fact that you're sitting (especially when you're not moving) to try a simple breathing exercise like counting your breath: e.g. "one" on your inhale, "two" on your exhale, "three" on your inhale, and so on. Don't force your breath, just notice how it is naturally. And when you lose count, notice that, and begin at one again. (Check out Andrew Weil's site for some other useful breathing exercises--though be careful of which ones you choose to engage in while driving! You never want to feel lightheaded or overly distracted.)
    
   
4. Create a mental gratitude list: we often read that listing things we're grateful for can help improve our mood and improve our relationships, among other benefits. But taking time to do this in a journal (at least for me) rarely happens. So, why not use the time in traffic to start listing off all the things you're grateful for? You can start with your current day, or look to your past, or even run through your intended future plans. Or you can think about people, places, or things. For more ideas, check out 60 Things to Be Grateful For in Life.

We tend to think of being "stuck" in traffic as negative, but each of the above strategies ask for a shift in our perspective. More specifically, traffic gives us time to enjoy and engage in practices for stress reduction. Since most of us find it difficult to include time for self-care as part of our typical day, traffic offers this to us. (Think of it this way: it's like when you're run down because you're doing too much, and then you get sick. Your body actually forces you to rest and slow down.) So, if we re-frame the time we spend behind the wheel, traffic is actually a gift!

How can YOU make your experience of being in traffic a gift today? If you have another idea to share, please let me know. We can use all the help we can get. :-)

Meditating Your Way to Healthy Digestion

In my previous post, I described 4 ways that yoga can support your nutrition and weight loss goals. Here, I'll offer some advice about how a mindful meal meditation might move you along in these endeavors as well.

About Meditation & Mindfulness

Meditation is essentially a practice in training one's mind, so it can be done anywhere, using anything as a point of focus. Applying meditative techniques when moving throughout one's day can be thought of as mindfulness. Since we eat at least 2-3 times a day, meal times are a natural opportunity for meditation, using food as our focus.

A Mindful Mealtime Meditation to Try

Light some candles, dim the lights, maybe put on some relaxing background music. Ensure there are no potential distractions, nothing within reach to multitask with. Then, sit down at a table in front of your plate, and take a moment to connect with your meal. Look down at your food, noticing the different colors and textures, as well as the arrangement of the food. You might like to use a simple statement, like, "I eat this food to be healthy and happy, to care for and nourish my body." This prepares your body for a relaxed eating experience.

Take only enough food as will comfortably fit on your utensil. Notice the first contact of the food with your tongue. See if you can identify the flavors: sour, salty, sweet, bitter, and so on. Notice how the food changes form as you chew it slowly. To help you focus on this, it may be helpful for you to place your utensils (or food, if it's hand-held) back down on your plate between bites. If you get distracted or find yourself hurrying, simply notice, take a deep breath and start again.

When your plate is empty, observe that. Bring your attention to your belly, and notice that you are nourished and satisfied.

Note: A nice book for bringing meditation into your daily life is Making Space by Thich Nhat Hanh, from which some of these concepts were adapted.

Why This Matters

In Inside Tract, Mullen et al. state that “mindful eating is one of the most important techniques you can use [to improve your frame of mind and prepare yourself for excellent digestion].” In Digestive Wellness, Lipski posits that "focus[ing]...awareness of the favors in each bite...can dramatically enhance [people's] total digestive function more completely than can enzymes, bitters, or other digestive supplements."

Why? Because eating mindfully and with presence not only activates the relaxation response, but also initiates the first phase in the digestive process, called the cephalic phase. Cephalic means "of the head", and it's how the brain registers that the body is about to receive a meal. It's how the brain knows to "turn on" digestion by doing things like releasing enzymes and activating stomach acids, as two examples. When we don't pay attention to our food as we eat it, we bypass this phase, meaning:

• our digestive capacity (i.e. ability to break down, process, and assimilate nutrients from the food) is hampered by 40-60%
• we are more likely to overeat because we are not aware that we are full
• our digestive system has to work harder overall, which can result in issues like gas, bloating, diarrhea, constipation, and over time, more serious ones like gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), ulcerative colitis, and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

Note: Why Being Mindful Matters is a nice, readable article on this topic.

Different Ways to Welcome the New Year

Like many people, I look forward to the "clean start" that a new year brings. Yet this New Year, I'm doing things differently. This New Year, I will NOT:

• Write down a bunch of resolutions or goals that make me feel good temporarily, but then turn into obligations that I can't reasonably meet and resulting in me feeling like a failure.
  
  Instead I will have a loose "intention" to surrender the direction of my life to the Universe, trusting that each step I take is the one that is best for me in the moment that it happens, and is leading me to my true purpose.

• Look back on the prior year, noting all the things that had gone wrong. I will not think "good riddance", because all the trials and tribulations have taught me important lessons, and I'm a better, stronger person for having experienced them.
  
  Rather, I will say goodbye to the prior year with respect. I will keep the lessons I learned in my mind and close in my heart as I move forward, so I don't make the same mistakes and create the same suffering for myself and others.

What will YOU do differently this new year?

Space Expectations (Chapter 7)

Here's chapter 7 of the book I started posting chapters of a few weeks ago.

“The best things in life are unexpected—because there were no expectations.”

- Eli Khamarov -

Whether we realize it or not, many of us are affected by expectations we have for our physical spaces. For example, we might expect a vacation resort to induce a state of deep relaxation in our overworked mental space. Prior experiences with a physical space might cause us to try and recreate a feeling we've previously experienced there (with varying degrees of success). Or, not understanding what is expected of us in a space might cause some discomfort. Understanding why we have certain expectations of physical spaces, and adjusting the thoughts in our internal spaces can help, and set us up for new adventures we may not otherwise have the opportunity to experience.

Navigating Spaces

My friend Vianne and I are planners. Whether it’s for dinner, dancing, or other activities, we mutually agree on when and where we get together—very much in advance. My husband is a planner too, so Vianne has also gotten used to receiving invitations to our gatherings, along with a list of suggestions about what would be helpful for her to bring. So during Independence Day weekend, when Vianne and I received a text message from our friend Craig about an impromptu cookout at his place, it caused a bit of a kerfuffle. Text messages between the three of us flew by: between he and I and she and he, trying to ascertain when the event would start and what we should bring; and between she and I, expressing frustration over Craig's confusing or nonexistent responses to our questions. We wondered: did he think we would bring food and contribute to its preparation? Or, was he wanting us to just show up at his house and allow him to host? I don’t think Craig had any expectations for us, yet we were troubled by all this uncertainty. At dinner one night after Craig's gathering, I asked Vianne whether we would have minded if he told us he expected help. Her response was, “No, not at all.” Then I asked, “And if he wanted us to sit back and relax so he could pamper us, would that have been OK too?” Her response, “Of course.” This got me thinking—if either outcome was fine (and in actuality, we did a little bit of both), why did it cause us so much angst beforehand? Why did we feel so strongly like we needed to know what to expect when we were visiting Craig’s house?

When I told this story to my friend Paige, she put her finger on it: Vianne and I needed to know what to expect in Craig’s space because we didn’t want to “get it wrong.” See, Vianne, Paige, and I have all experienced significant uncertainties growing up, which means that as adults, we try to avoid it at all costs. When we aren’t clearly told what to expect, the children in us still believe we might do something inappropriate, or won’t be prepared for or live up to what is expected of us—and we’ll suffer the consequences. Whether this means people will cease liking us and wanting spend time with us, we’ll get in trouble, or be humiliated, these concerns are not at all rooted in the present day.

When Vianne and I chatted more about this, we decided we needed a way to regain some balance in such situations—in other words, one of us needed to cue the other so we could recognize when we were truly curious and wanting to be helpful, versus when we were being neurotic! This would require moving the amount of consciousness we had of ourselves after the fact to when we first found ourselves getting into such a state, which is easier said than done. In retrospect, calling her and talking it through to see how we really felt about each alternative could have helped us both discover that either option was fine, and that our worry wasn’t really about what it appeared to be about.

A more significant issue for me about Craig's impromptu invite was whether to go at all. See, when I received his text mid-morning that I could head over any time that afternoon to enjoy food, drink, and the lake behind his house on what really was a gorgeous day, it actually stressed me out. I knew Craig wanted to entertain in his new home, but my husband and I had already made a slew of other plans. I went into a tailspin about what to do with my “time space”, for which I already had some pretty high expectations. In addition to my normal morning routine of journaling, working out and meditating, I had plans to work on this book, and we had a whole chicken in the fridge, on which we planned to try out a rotisserie attachment for the grill, since I had given it to my husband as a birthday present. It was supposed to rain on Monday, so Sunday (the day of Craig’s cookout) was the only day we had the time required to actually rotisserie a chicken! I spent what felt like hours going back and forth, evaluating pros and cons, trying to figure out the best thing do to: act spontaneously and change my plans, or deny Craig’s request because it was too last minute, and potentially miss out on a fun time?

Looking back the whole situation sounds quite ridiculous, but at the time, it seemed perfectly reasonable. As I said, I am a planner, and there’s something oddly rewarding to me about making a list of “to do’s” and crossing things off throughout the day. This was instilled in me early in life—even as a young child, I had a long list of chores to complete, after which completing I would get some recognition from my parents. Logically I recognize that I don't need their approval now, and that I could stand to be more flexible, but old habits die hard! Thanks to my husband’s extreme flexibility with our plans and Vianne’s encouragement to go with her, we did all end up going to Craig’s party. We had a great time, and Monday turned out to be sunny enough for us to rotisserie the chicken after all!

Thought Experiments

Consider finding or writing an affirmation that you can repeat to help you be open to new experiences in a physical space, without having to know exactly what’s going to happen. These can be as simple as: “I am safe and open to new experiences.” or “Everything is OK.” If you find yourself getting caught up in overly regimented ideas about how your day should go, ask yourself: “If I don't get this task done, what is the worst that will happen?” Or, “What will I miss out on if I don’t adjust my plans?” Question your assumptions about what you have to get done, and who are really doing these things for. If you're not doing them for yourself or someone currently in your life, consider whether following your plans to the letter will give you the satisfaction or approval you're really seeking. Limit yourself to doing between one and three tasks on your “to do” list per day. You may find you accomplish more than that anyway, but you will also feel freedom—more mental and emotional space to help you focus, and less resentment about how busy you are!

Transferring Expectations across Spaces

Every year, my company treats its employees to a weekend outing in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. This outing includes accommodations for our families, live music, and plenty of food and drink. The first year I went to the outing, I brought my boyfriend, Jason. The series of events that unfolded are still, almost five years later, not comical. We underestimated traffic, turning the three hour trip into something like seven. Our first hotel room smelled strongly of mold, and when we went to open the slider door to postpone dealing with the issue until morning, we discovered a whole army of spiders congregating around the handle! After driving back to the front desk securing a new key, and driving to a new building, we stared in amazement at a row of rooms numbered seven, eight, and ten, feeling like we were in some bizarro world with our key labeled “#9”. Back at the front desk we were told our room was tucked back in a corner we’d missed. The next day we tried to do several activities, all of which were thwarted for various reasons. I did end up having a lovely lunch of lobster roll and chips, and we shared a milkshake for dessert. Unfortunately, this was before I realized that my body was starting to become intolerant to lobster—violently intolerant. My stomach twisted and pulsed for the rest of the day, which I spent almost entirely in room #9’s bathroom. Saturday night I tried to be a trooper and get ready for the big feast (so Jason could get something to eat). This required us to drive a half an hour to the main hotel, during which my insides felt like they were going to burst, and I was deep breathing as if in labor. We had to park the car about a mile away, and walk up a steep hill or take the shuttle. Since I couldn’t wait for the shuttle, we raced up the hill (me with a sprained ankle that wasn’t healing well to begin with). At the top, I made a bee line for the restroom and told Jason to get some food. I was able to make a quick appearance in the dining room to tell him we had to leave, and then a similar drive back to our room ensued. Obviously, neither of us had very much fun!

The following year I didn’t go to the outing, and felt completely comfortable with my decision. The year after that, I found myself in a quandary. I was dating a co-worker who had been with the company for almost fifteen years. He really enjoyed the outing and wanted me to go with him. He had seniority and would get a room in the main hotel, so there would be no driving back and forth. But even after two years, I still had all the horrible memories to overcome—my default expectation was that if I went, I’d be absolutely miserable. But because it was important to him, I decided to see what I could do to take my experience of this space from horrible to truly fun and relaxing. After all, this was a free weekend vacation at a beautiful resort in the mountains—something most people would pay a lot of money for. I found a restaurant with an interesting martini menu to visit the Friday evening we arrived, and arranged for a colleague and her husband to meet us there for dinner. Since it had been a long day of working and passenger-ing (my husband did the driving), I decided that when we got back I would take some of the chill out of the mountain air by making use of our room’s lavish fireplace. Thoughts of curling up on the sofa with a blanket and a good book made me smile with anticipation. In fact, this reminded me of Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health in Lenox Massachusetts, where I try to go every year for some rest and relaxation. I figured that if I could do some Kripalu-like relaxing at this resort, I could definitely make the outing into something I would enjoy!

Since we were in the main hotel, our room was “near the action”—right over the action, actually. The music was loud, but I simply adjusted the volume of the Chinese bamboo flute music streaming from my iPod dock, and continued to read just fine. When my eyes started to get heavy around eleven o’clock, I decided I would turn in. Unfortunately, no amount of effort on my part (and there were several different attempts to be resourceful!) would stop the bass from reverberating through every cell in my body, mercilessly chasing sleep away. My husband came in around one in the morning (when the party ended), and I was finally able to sleep. What I realized the next morning was that with best intentions, I tried to use the space in a way that conflicted with its clearly designated weekend purpose, which was to party with fellow co-workers. I’m happy to say that I learned from my experience—the next night I had drinks and danced badly to bad music with my colleagues, and I had a great time! My understanding (and acceptance) of how this physical space would be used allowed me to flow with the current, rather than against it. And sometimes, you just need to do that!

Transferring expectations across spaces apparently is a very difficult thing to do, even when a whole group of people is trying to make it happen. Every Tuesday night for as long as I can remember, a West Coast Swing dance is held at the Elks Lodge in Arlington, Massachusetts. This is a small space, but usually gets a good crowd. On the left side of the room there are three rows of chairs lined up, on which dancers put their jackets and under which they leave their street shoes. It’s a single file in, single file out kind of thing, and you’re inevitably in someone’s way. Toward the front of the room, where you enter, is the table where you are greeted and where you pay, and slightly behind that, the table with the DJ’s equipment. On the right is a small bar. There’s nowhere to stand and have a conversation without being in the way or being relegated to the dark alley of chairs. The floor can get sticky, wreaking havoc on one’s knees. Most of the year it feels like you’re dancing in a sauna, regardless of attempts to get the air conditioning working.

To their credit the Elks started updating and renovating the space, and at one point we needed to find a temporary place to dance. For a few weeks, the Arlington dance was held at a nearby Elks Lodge in Lexington, which for all intents and purposes, was a superior space. It was much larger, the ceilings were higher, with round tables and chairs spread out on one side so people could hang out. Although the quality of the floor was still variable, it wasn’t as hot and sweaty as Arlington. The dances were held on the same night, at the same time, and with the same DJs—yet, it lacked the same energy as the Arlington space! As I sat in the back of the hall at a table with my friend Jason, we got to talking about it, and theorized that having too much space actually killed the vibe. Because it’s small and there’s nowhere really to congregate, its very nature pushes people to get on the floor and just dance. Plus, while gross, the whole concept of being in a sweaty, lackluster space together is a mild form of mutual suffering that bonds dancers. Just the “ugh, I’m so gross!” comments one hears and makes to others creates a feeling of being in this “terrible” situation together. By the nature of the space, Arlington forces intimacy, and that intimacy alone makes for a great night!

Thought Experiments

What physical spaces do you have negative associations with, or bring up strong feelings for you? Can you identify the circumstances that lead to your discomfort? If it’s not possible to recall any event that would explain how you feel about a space (I have a fear of high spaces that’s like this), give yourself the emotional to accept and embrace your fears or concerns. See how it feels to be OK with that! Experiment with making small changes when you’re in difficult spaces to make them more manageable for you, like the dinner I organized on the way to my company’s outing. Or, try acknowledging what happened there (and how you felt about it)—then, as if taking an eraser to a chalkboard, visualize wiping the slate clean so you can be more open to new experiences there. List some major characteristics of your favorite spaces. Consider whether it’s realistic or possible to bring some of them into spaces you like less. If it isn’t, think about what work you can do to your other (i.e. mental and emotional) spaces to increase your enjoyment. Is there a physical space you’re trying to use in a way that’s in conflict with its intent? Is this dissonance negatively impacting you in any way? How would it feel to let go of the expectations in your internal spaces, and flow within the physical space instead?

Working through Discomfort in Spaces

After watching too many episodes of L.A. Ink and seeing too many women in yoga class with beautiful artwork on their bodies, I decided that I wanted to get a tattoo. This meant I also had to decide what to get and where to put it, find someone who could translate the concept in my mind to something tangible, and locate a reputable tattoo parlor and artist to do the work. A year or so after I had the idea, things fell into place and I met with a woman name Julia, who did both custom artwork and tattooing. Since she had her own shop close by, I decided I would get the tattoo as a present for my thirty-sixth birthday. The artwork would be ready on my appointment day, and I was assured that Julia and I would work together to make any needed changes. Then she’d do the tattooing. Although my husband was supportive, I asked my close friend Paige to accompany me because I felt like I could talk with her about anything and everything, and I might need some distraction during the procedure.

A week or so before my appointment, I shared some nervousness I had about getting the tattoo with Paige. What if the artwork wasn’t right and Julia didn’t understand what I wanted? How much did getting a tattoo really hurt? Paige responded in stern, motherly tones that I needed to really think about whether this was something I wanted to do. I was initially puzzled by her response, because I didn’t think I was feeling that anxious about it, but given how well she knew me I thought it was worth considering. Was I ignoring some a “gut feeling” that was telling me I was about to make a big mistake? Although I asked myself these questions, and chatted with my husband about it, I was never able to identify what Paige seemed to see. I searched and searched, but didn’t feel seriously anxious about it—it was more like a curious excitement, with some fear of not knowing what to expect. I kept the appointment, telling Paige I thought I really was fine about it.

The morning of the appointment, Paige drove me to Julia’s tattoo shop but seemed a bit distracted. Since she was in the middle of preparations for a cross country move at the time, I chocked this up to the fact that she had a lot on her mind. But as soon as we arrived and I started filling out paperwork in the waiting area, I could see her taking in the décor, which was as you might expect—lots of strange pictures and trinkets attached to the walls, including some skeletons with wings. Everyone working there was covered head to toe with art. It was difficult to ignore the fact that Paige felt uncomfortable in this space, so I tried to acknowledge her unstated feelings. I told her how nice Julia had been during my consultation, and about a dear, sweet friend I’d had whose style totally aligned with the look of this shop. Paige nodded but remained pretty quiet.

A few minutes later, I got to see the artwork and to my dismay, it wasn’t what I wanted at all. Yet, as Julia and I started collaborating, the piece started to take shape. After ten minutes or so passed, I felt badly about Paige sitting by herself in the waiting area, and asked if she wanted to join us. She declined, and then said she couldn’t stay. She was very uncomfortable being there and wanted to leave. I called my husband and asked if he could trade places with Paige.

Paige moved away, and I never found out what it was about the tattoo shop that caused her so much anxiety. But as she always used to say, “it’s never really about what it’s about.” Although she really wanted to be a good friend and support me through my experience, the concept, physical décor, or other people in the shop triggered some troublesome feelings that she just wasn’t able to bear or work through at the time.

Actually getting the tattoo—on my closest physical space—was a prime opportunity for me to work through discomfort. When I asked people who had tattoos about their experience, I received answers ranging from “it’s as painful as childbirth.” to “the vibration feels good.” After hearing so many different opinions, I decided it must depend on where one is getting the tattoo done, and one’s own tolerance for pain.

My tattoo took two and a half hours to complete. Julia started the process slowly, and at the beginning I was surprised because it didn’t hurt much at all. But as time passed and Julia started wiping the tattoo between inking sessions, I found I had to leverage some techniques to keep my mind in check. I closed my eyes, went inside, and tried to focus on taking long, deep breaths, noticing where in my body I was holding tension and intentionally trying to relax that area. When we were halfway through, the physical pain and intensity of my mind whining, “Are we done yet?” started to increase. Yet, I calmly responded to myself with, “We’ll be done when we’re done, just accept where you are right now and continue to breathe.” I believe these approaches to calm my mental spaces helped me tremendously in dealing with what was a voluntary, yet uncomfortable experience in the physical space of my own body.

Thought Experiments

When you strongly want to leave a space, whether it’s an emotionally charged room, an unfamiliar setting, or uncomfortable decor, try sitting with your discomfort or fear for just a moment and simply observe what you’re feeling. (I like to do this in glass elevators in tall buildings, to try and address my fear of heights.) Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that like everything else in life, the feelings will pass. Observe how you feel when you notice that what you feared most didn’t actually happen. Do you find that breathing in the closest physical space of your body opens up some room in your emotional or mental spaces? Does it offer any clues to help you understand where the discomfort really comes from, or what specifically triggers your anxiety? If you regularly have discomfort in your body or your mind, temporarily suspend any preconceived notions or assumptions you have about yoga and meditation, and give them a try. There is a lot of variety in both of these practices, and if you can think of your trials as just that—investigations or experiments—I expect you will find a style that makes you feel more content in all your spaces!

Using Spaces to Feel Accepted

When I was twelve years old, my family moved from a house that was about an hour away from the nearest grocery store to one in a more populated area. Although there were many children on my street, I was the oldest—but by number only. In comparison to my new cohorts, my previously isolated environment had kept me young. I was still riding a Strawberry Shortcake bike that had originally come with training wheels when everyone else had dirt bikes and fancy ten-speeds. It didn’t take long for me or my family to realize that I had some catching up to do. Before I knew it, I had a twelve-speed that was too big for me to ride comfortably, new clothes, and a large in-ground swimming pool complete with diving board and slide. While several other kids on the street had pools, mine was the biggest, and all the kids knew it. Everyone—including the very same kids who made fun of me when I first moved in—all wanted to be my friend so they could be invited to swim. And as one might expect, there were some kids on the street who didn’t like each other, so if you invited some friends you were automatically excluding others. Looking back, it’s interesting to me how these material possessions and alterations to our home gave me a sense of power and control that I’d been missing when I first arrived. In retrospect I also recognize that most of the children I thought had wanted to be my friends because they liked me were mostly just using me for something I had.

As an adult, I often still feel like that backwards little twelve-year-old in unfamiliar social circles. I have a great husband, a good job, and a nice house. We have lots of friends, and we frequently have parties because we enjoy making new drinks, food, and entertaining. But it’s always interesting to see who offers us money for alcohol, who shows up with munchies, who asks what we need when we’re planning a larger get-together—and for those without much financial wherewithal, who offers time to help set up or clean up. At first glance, everyone appears to be a friend, but it’s sometimes difficult not to wonder how things would be if we weren’t fortunate to have all that we do. This is especially true for me I think, because I do have a certain level of insecurity about myself and am frequently concerned with how others perceive me. Growing up, I never really had anyone love me just for being me, and so I’m not sure how to recognize when people actually do it.

While it might be easy to leverage one’s physical environments to meet an unmet emotional need, there are also ways one might consciously or unconsciously pull directly at other people’s emotions to get something they’re lacking. When I was around thirteen years old, I remember having my first real boyfriend, who was then fifteen. We met at a music camp one summer, and I was smitten. Between home and school, my life was miserable, and Damian was the first person who made me feel truly loved. For a short time this made me feel really good about myself, but pretty quickly, so many years of love deprivation meant I needed more, more, and more from him. Although the affection and attention he gave me should have been enough, it wasn’t. I was an endless well, an unsoakable sponge. To make sure Damian really loved me, I made up stories I thought would upset him. And when he did get upset, such displays clearly illustrated just how important I was to him. Over the course of our nine month relationship, I was going to have to move away, I couldn’t see him anymore because my parents were against it, and even worse, there were days when I was potentially dying of some awful disease. I’m obviously not pleased with the things I said and did in that relationship, but with a lot of introspection and passing time, I realize I was using Damian and all the capacity for love to make myself feel as though I mattered. And although I wasn’t conscious of it at the time, I really, desperately needed that.

Thought Experiments

In social situations, practice developing self-awareness by paying attention to your body. Is it tense anywhere? Is your breathing shallow, is your heart pounding, are your palms sweaty? If so, ask yourself what you might be feeling—insecure, unaccepted, unloved? Don’t judge the feelings that come up, just observe them. Do you have a wonderful home or other fantastic possessions to share with others? If so, consider whether you have ever used them to exert control over people in your life, to gain acceptance, or some advantage. What underlying emotional needs are you hoping these physical objects will fill? Are there other ways you can find to fill the gaps? Do any of your friends have living spaces or emotional depth you have taken advantage of in some way? If so, try not to berate yourself—it doesn’t mean you’re an awful person, or that you behave badly all the time. Identifying your underlying fears or unmet needs, however, can help you be a more genuine friend. Do you have friends you think might be using you? If so, don’t automatically assume they’re being malicious or write them off. Try talking with them about their fears and needs to understand their behaviors. If they are open and can gain an awareness of what they really desire, they will appreciate your interest. And just maybe, showing you care may be all the reassurance they need.

My 24-hour Tech Detox

On the 6th day of my Yoga Journal Fall Detox (a Saturday), the only obligation I had was to teach a 30-minute yoga class at Breathe Wellness' open house. Fortunately I realized this early in the morning (before 8 am). With other plans cancelled, I decided that starting right then, I was going to try a true technology detox--meaning the iPhone, iPad, and laptop would stay completely OFF until 8 am the following morning (which is when I'm writing this).

I journaled pretty extensively throughout the day, and thought I would share some things that happened to me in case anyone who has a gadget addiction might want to try it.

Here are some highlights from the first half of my day:

• What am I going to do? My first instinct is to make a list of all the things I could do that are "non-tech" (e.g. read a book). I realize (again) how much I fill my life with "to do" items I can cross off. I have a hard time just being.
• Does [insert thing here] "count"? No TV? Really? (I haven't honestly watched TV in months, so what do I care?) What if so-and-so needs to contact me? Will they worry? Several times I really want to check my phone, all in the name of sparing someone else.
• How will I know where to go? If I want to go for a walk, I can't look up a pretty place! What about the weather?? Oh no! Why can't I just look outside and go walk, wherever?
• OMG, the emotions -- several times when I am just still, all I want to do is cry. Then my mind starts worrying at things I am concerned about, and it's clear this is a distraction from feeling the need to cry. I talk back at myself in my journal.
• And the judgments -- "How would I ever do a 10-day silent vipassana meditation retreat? I can't sit still for longer than 3 minutes!" (I notice as I'm trying to sit down while eating my kitchari.) "Why is this little kitchen table so important to me? I should be able to let it go." Sigh.

Then 3:30 pm hits, and something clicks. I feel happy that I decided to do this. (The fact that I had a chair massage with Kristen and a polarity therapy session with Allison at the open house after teaching probably didn't hurt. During the polarity therapy session in particular, I felt my right hip and my heart ache, feel held, and open up, and Allison told me I had "beautiful energy".)

My afternoon was totally different than the morning. So much less of a struggle, and much  more intrinsic listening to my body and my inner wisdom:

• On my long drive home I make many somewhat random stops, doing little chores (but not feeling obligated to do anything). I even stop at a little bookshop, Bearly Read Books, and putter around for awhile. When I get home I slowly and mindfully make another batch of kitchari, and astound myself by my lack of restraint over a yummy papaya. 
• I feel tired, so I lay on my massage table, music playing, water fountain going, scented candle lit, bolstered and covered with blanket and eye pillow. No alarm. I stay awake but in a beautifully relaxed state. (Hours later I wonder whether the CD player "counted", but I hadn't thought of it at the time and it was such a positive experience I decide to let that slide. :-) ) More thoughts of "what counts".
• Later I do a facial mask for the heck of it. As I wipe off the white gunk with a damp washcloth, slowly, I look at myself in the mirror and finally think I'm a beautiful woman. I notice how much I've been hunching over again lately--a self-protection mechanism. I stand up straighter.
• While chopping carrots for more kitchari I realize why I can't stay focused and quiet. Childhood stuff: can't let my guard down. Something terrible could be happening when it's quiet. Ah...and then in my relationships too. Of course. I struggle a bit, wanting to eat some unapproved foods.
• I make a list of things to do tomorrow (today) after my "techdox" is over. I look at the list and don't want to come out of it. I start to think more carefully about how to do it. I also think more carefully about how to reintroduce foods and exercise, something I didn't do that first time of the YJ Detox two years ago.
• I have a fantastic restorative yoga session. I read a lot before bed, getting fully immersed in my book. 

This morning, as the time got near for me to "power up", I felt anxiousness in my body. My breathing got shallow, my chest felt tight. So folks, this is it for now. I need to ease back in.